Surreal Scoop

London 2012 team: “Only one stabbing in Beijing – that won’t be difficult to beat!”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 22:50:00 +0000

As the world absorbs the opening of the Beijing 2008 Olympics, the organisers of the 2012 games in London say that they can easily match anything that the Chinese have so far been able to demonstrate. "Certainly the opening days have impressed many, but they have only had one stabbing in their first twenty-four hours," said Lord Steven Billingsworth from the 2012 committee. "That single stabbing, even in the historic setting of the Drum Tower will be nothing. Our preliminary opening ceremony plans alone have 31 fatal stabbings." Details are still far from being finalised, since there has...

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MoD denies secret deal with al-Mahdi militia

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 16:55:00 +0000

Today the Ministry of Defence denied that any "accommodation" had been made with the notorious al-Mahdi militia which prevented the British Army from supporting the Iraqi and American armies in a recent assault in the Middle East. "We simply agreed that our troops in Afghanistan would not move into the Middle East," explained General Bill Billington-Billingsworth from his office in Whitehall. "We would stay out as long as the Mahdi held position in Alberta and did not threaten our positions in the Western United States or indeed Brazil from their stronghold in North Africa." Everything,...

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“In Heikki I see the new me” claims Lewis Hamilton

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 20:30:00 +0000

Formula One’s former superstar today praised his teammate, Heikki Kovalainen after the Finn achieved his first win of the season at last weekend’s Hungarian Grand Prix. "Heikki drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, such as last year," said Lewis Hamilton. "Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year." Early editions of tomorrow’s newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Heikki’s girlfriend or wife,...

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Karadzic trial seen as only first step in ridding world of evil practices

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 16:18:00 +0000

As the trial begins of the former Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic, the prosecution team is buzzing with the prospect of taking an important step to bringing to justice one of the most high-profile practitioners of alternative medicine. "With Karadzic we have one of the leading figures in the field of homeopathic so-called medicine. If our prosecution is successful we will be able to drive a stake of fear into the hearts of other alternative quacks the world over," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre for the Forceful Advancement of Science. Karadzic is planning on...

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Weston-super-Mare fire expert misunderstood “end-of-the-pier spectacle”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 16:02:00 +0000

Holidaymakers in the seaside town of Weston-supe-Mare today awoke to find the cataclysmic results of a misunderstanding during the planning of celebratory events to mark the re-opening of Weston-supe-Mare's world famous Grand Pier. “I am not taking the fall for this one. It's just a genuine misunderstanding, ” said event pyrotechnics expert Kenneth Billingsworth. “When I was hired they told me they wanted something really special for the end-of-the-pier. Something that would say to everyone that the pier really was finished.” The historic Grand Pier, today consumed by a raging inferno, was...

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Rare sighting of “Office Ninja”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 11:27:00 +0000

Employees at a large financial institution in the Docklands area of London were said to be amazed by a rare sighting of one of the elusive breeds of middle manager known as the “Office Ninja”. These are those special groups of managers who seem to be able to get into the office in the morning, claim a full day's work and leave without anyone either seeing them, nor any trace of their presence. “It was quite a special moment, even though we only caught a brief glimpse of what might have been our long lost boss,” said Sarah, an office worker near Canary Wharf. “We thought we had seen him...

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Euro 2008 rescheduled for the soaps

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 10:37:00 +0000

Football fans were today absorbing the freshly published match schedules for this month's European Championship and the growing realisation that millions of people would have to deal with the vagaries of match times dependant on Britain's soaps. “Whilst Euro2008 will be watched by billions of people all over the world we at UEFA understand that millions of men want to be able to view the championship at home in safety,” said UEFA President Michel Platini. “There is nothing more dangerous than a knife wielding menopausal harridan who has been deprived of the latest screaming session on...

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Marathon runner dresses as “runner”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 18:39:00 +0000

Victor Billingsworth, an enthusiastic club runner from Hemel Hempstead today completed the London Marathon in an elaborate costume of running singlet, shorts and trainers, much to the amazement of the millions of spectators that lined the route. "I couldn’t believe what I was seeing," said Jane from Colchester. "The children said that there was a funny man on the course and when I looked I was astonished not to see him in a dress, a Storm Trooper outfit or in a Womble suit." Mr Billingsworth said that he had wanted to stand out from the thousands of charity runners taking part and wanted to...

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Price of photocopier paper balloons during Zimbabwean election counting

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 12:18:00 +0000

The crisis hit economy of Zimbabwe was further rocked today with the news that sheets of A4 photocopier paper were now trading at over Zim$600,000 each. Even in a country used to rampant inflation and shortages of even the most basic of foodstuffs the news has shocked people at all levels of society. “I had never really believed my country was in such a mess until I had an emergency need to copy some documents,” said office worker Robert Mugabe from Harare. “I have hundreds of thousands of ballot papers to photocopy in a hurry.” As is so often the case with such economic troubles it is...

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Shocking Tolkein manuscript to be sold at auction

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 16:58:00 +0000

Inspired by the £60,000 sales price for a first edition of JRR Tolkein’s ‘The Hobbit’, a collector in Solihull has revealed details of a collection of hand-written manuscripts by the author. "I found it in an old tea chest of oddments I bought at a car boot sale in Oxford," said retired market trader ‘Sailor’ Harry Billingsworth. "I didn’t realise it could possibly be so important as it just seemed to be a bit of whimsical nonsense about fairies or something." The manuscript is an early draft of Tolkein’s famous ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy although in its hand-written form and under an...

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Delia to release even more basic sequel to “How to Cheat at Cooking”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 20:10:00 +0000

Delia Smith, the world's leading television cook, has announced plans to release a follow up to her latest book 'How to Cheat at Cooking' which has become another of the author’s phenomenally successful guides for the novice chef. The TV cook says that she came up with the idea for a series of 'cheating' books shortly after her tired and emotional appearance during the half-time break at the Norwich City versus Manchester City game in 2005. After a spirited first half supporting a lacklustre performance from the club in which she is a majority shareholder, Norwich, she took to the microphone...

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Fat gene enabler identified

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 00:14:00 +0000

Scientists have revealed details of the means of operation of the so-called 'fat gene' and its interrelationships with other proteins within the DNA chain. The identification of the gene, known by its genetic identifiers as LRDY, is seen as a breakthrough for millions of sufferers whose bodies are unable to naturally regulate their pie intake. "The benefits of this large body of research into people's susceptibility to LRDY are numerous. We hope to be able to offer a genetic therapy which can be administered by injection, or orally in say a chocolate milkshake," said the leader of the...

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Fidel Castro steps down as President of Cuba to take up new role at Northern Rock

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 00:55:00 +0000

Fidel Castro, the leader of the Cuban revolution and president of the Caribbean communist outpost, today announced that he would be stepping down to pursue other opportunities. “Fidel has been our glorious leader for nearly half a century but, at the age of 81 feels that he has achieved all he can in Cuba,” said his younger brother, and de facto president, Raul Castro. “He was very interested by the glorious move of the government of Comrade Brown in the UK to take a whole capitalist-pig-dog bank into the ownership of the proletariat.” Sources close to the legendary firebrand communist say...

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Prince William “disappointed at missing another fight”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 21:43:00 +0000

HRH Prince William was said to be deeply upset at having missed out on another chance at combat, having left a drinking den just hours before a fight broke out at a Cornwall night-club. "He is gutted," said a drinking pal. "This is the second time he has missed out on some fighting after not being sent to Iraq." In a bizarre repetition of the events that culminated in the Ministry of Defence refusing to deploy the future King into a role for which he had spent many months training, Prince William once again saw all his efforts at preparation for the conflict in the pub in Newquay come to...

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Sir Paul McCartney offers to conduct divorce settlement under sharia law

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 19:47:00 +0000

In a surprise move the legal team representing Sir Paul McCartney has offered to resolve the differences between him and former wife Heather Mills under sharia law. "Clearly this whole sorry affair has been going on long enough and so Sir Paul feels that it can be brought to a swifter conclusion by the application of fundamentalist Islamic rulings," said Irene Billingsworth, representing the former Beatle. Heather Mills, who is representing herself at the current rational hearing, is believed to be considering the offer and will respond in the next couple of days, once she has hired a man...

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Axis Of Evil reveals expansion plans

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 17:44:00 +0000

The loose collective of nations known as the 'Axis Of Evil' has announced plans for enlargement from the founding three members of Iraq, Iran and North Korea, to bring other states under its political umbrella. "We were forged, from what most people thought was just a poor piece of ridiculously simplistic imagery of a world that didn't exist, into states that six years later are right at the heart of the world's political and indeed cultural life," said Ofdad Billingjani, the group's spokesman. The group says that it's economic and cultural model has captured the imaginations of the world...

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QVC presenter lands “dream market stall role”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 14:06:00 +0000

Giles Billingsworth, one of the leading lights of television shopping, was today celebrating landing one of the prized jobs in his industry when he was confirmed as the face of "Alan's 'lectrics" in the Camden Lock market. "It was a great opportunity that I simply could not pass-up," said Mr Billingsworth of his new appointment. "You know you work hard all those years knocking out pots and pans and embroidery sets at 2am, this makes it all worthwhile." Giles, recently voted 23rd in a poll of housewives favourite camp presenters, said that there was fierce competition in the tele-shopping...

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Unemployed man decries Minogue's “double standards”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:34:00 +0000

Sitting, perched on the barstool, Reginald Billingsworth does not outwardly give the impression of a man ruined by a public love affair that spans the globe. Calmly sipping his pint of mild, Billingsworth looks but a percentage of his 58 years: his comb-over receives frequent preening, he frequently sweeps the pork scratching crumbs from the cardigan covering over his paunch. "It really is outrageous you know, it's political correctness gone mad." says Reginald. His eyes are a bit red and bloodshot, but whether it is from emotion or the jet lag of his flight from Australia, he is not saying....

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MPs to vote on moving House of Commons to Virgin Islands

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 22:58:00 +0000

MPs will today vote on a Private Member's Bill regarding future accommodation for the Mother of Parliaments as the Palace of Westminster faces a highly disruptive period of maintenance. Analysts believe the new temporary offices are likely to be overseas. The timing is thought to be especially favourable for many MPs now that the parliamentary Standards and Privileges Committee has woken up to exactly how much public money finds it’s way to the family members of some MPs. "I have asked many MPs and taken some advice from my accountant and all are very much in favour of moving the House of...

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Market analysts “FTSE, NASDAQ, BINGO - no idea what those numbers really mean”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 16:23:00 +0000

Today global markets were reacting positively to the United States Federal Reserves second dramatic drop in interest rates in as many weeks. On the other hand, possibly to the cute dog that was running around the smoking garden at one brokerage. Trader’s moods on Wall Street fluctuated as they digested the latest statement from Fed Boss Ben Bernanke and some of the latest performance indicators coming out of the construction sector. However the Dow Jones ended the day rising sharply after a group of traders watched the "Evolution of Dance" video on YouTube. Market experts such as Callum...

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Scientists admit to Cold Fusion Hoax delay

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 18:27:00 +0000

Leading members of the physics community working on the latest Cold Fusion Hoax today revealed that they are at least 2 years behind schedule. "We plan to have a cold fusion story in the newspapers every 15 to 20 years or so," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, consultant media scientist to the energy group leading the research. "However it takes quite some time to put together a crack team of credulous tabloid journalists with a C at GCSE chemistry, and this Hoax is going to have to be more sophisticated than it's predecessors, now that the special effects on Dr. Who are so good." The...

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Tarts renege on deal with Premier League shagger

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 20:13:00 +0000

The world of professional football was plunged into chaos today after two harlots defied paid contracts to keep quiet about their casual sex with international swordsman Ashley Cole. “It really has shocked players all over the country. They are used to big money contracts, and they expect these slags to honour their deals and keep quiet,” said a spokesman for the Professional Footballer's Association. “What worries our members even more is the inevitable tabloid puns about their unimpressive tackle.” The PFA said the interest of it's members would be aroused by any humorous references to...

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Peter Hain resigns to “spend more time with huge crates of cash”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 12:05:00 +0000

Former Work and Pensions and Wales Secretary, Peter Hain has resigned his cabinet positions after the nature of his deputy leadership campaign donations were referred to the Metropolitan Police. "It is only right and proper that I step down from my cabinet positions to focus on clearing my name," said Mr Hain. "To do that I first need to clear the huge piles of cash out of my office. Everywhere I look there seems to be more of the stuff, huge crates of cash." Mr Hain said that any claims he has anything to hide are "absurd" amid the controversy over the late declaration of £103,000 of...

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Miners steward police demonstration

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 01:57:00 +0000

22,500 police officers yesterday marched through central London as part of their demonstration against the pay policy of the Labour government. The march was stewarded by some 400 members of the National Union of Mineworkers. "Clearly a demonstration of this magnitude needed to be carefully policed, but not by the police who were the ones protesting. Fortunately we were able to call upon people with experience of past demonstrations involving the police, former miners, " said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. "Many of them have extensive experience of demonstrations with the police going back as...

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Latte-Nav systems provide emergency Starbucks locations

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:34:00 +0000

A new range of satellite navigation systems has been launched which are capable of providing car drivers with directions to their nearest Starbucks coffee shop as well as optional directions for non-coffee purposes and data about traffic jams, speed-cameras and accident black spots. "Today it is more important than ever that motorists have the security of knowing where their nearest opportunity for some overpriced frothy milk is," said Austin Billingsworth of the RAC. The new systems also integrate into a car's vehicle management system to provide emergency warnings in the event that the...

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