Surreal Scoop

Apple “astonished that people use our wipe-clean surface devices to look at boobies”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 01:04:00 +0000

Apple's Chief Technology Angel, Steve Jobs was said to have retreated into the company’s Well of Purification when it became apparent that users of iPhones and iPod Touches may be using them to look at naked lady bumps. “Mr Jobs has retreated to the heart of Apple Core to consult with his acolytes,” said an Apple Evangelist. “He is believed to be using the very restful Pips of Ergonomicity app on his iPad Nano to assimilate the news. Then he will tell us what to think.” Mr Jobs, and devout Apple followers across the world, were shocked to learn recently that some applications on the Apple...

[Click headline for more]

Voltaire : “gutted at having been so misquoted about defending to the death your right to say stuff”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 16:11:00 +0000

Speaking from his exile in 1720s Britain, François-Marie Arouet today spoke out as to the turn that human discourse has taken and said that he wants to set the record straight over his reputation being continually embroiled in support of other people’s arguments. “I am so often misquoted as having uttered the fine sentiment ‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it’,” said the writer known as Voltaire. “Even if I had said that, it is not justification for calling someone a ‘twat’ on an Internet forum.” Voltaire was taking a rare opportunity for an...

[Click headline for more]

New autobiography is a catalogue of near misses with disaster “Only 3673 miles from death”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 15:12:00 +0000

A new book published today chronicles the astonishing life of Herbert Billingsworth, 88. It is a story of good decisions, fortuitous coincidences and blind luck that has enabled Herbert to consistently cheat death and catastrophe. Reproduced here, exclusively, are a few extracts from Herbert's amazing tale of near misses in his memoir entitled “Only 3673 miles from death.”:- 11th September 1921 I was born in Preston in Lancashire on this day. The son of a Scottish merchant seaman and the Eskimo girl he won in a poker tournament in Newfoundland, I was brought up to understand the hard life...

[Click headline for more]

Christianity To be Rebooted In "New Testament the High School Years"

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 20:51:00 +0000

In a move seen by many as an attempt to breathe life into a tired franchise, the Vatican today announced a reboot of the “Greatest Story Ever Told” with the introduction of new characters into the New Testament storyline. The new New Testament will include a retelling of some familiar stories to bring a new perspective to the popular, long-running myth. “We are keen to make religion relevant to as many people as possible,” said Pope Benedict during a specially convened press conference mass, yesterday. “We want to explore the early years of one of the lead characters. Pontius P, is a hip...

[Click headline for more]

Google Buzz Offers Millions Another Route To Tell Each Other Their Choice Of Sandwich, “Nom Nom Nom”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 19:14:00 +0000

Internet giant Google yesterday unveiled the result of billions of dollars of research and development with the launch of Google Buzz, its foray into the social networking world currently dominated by Facebook and into the micro blogging world led by Twitter. “Google Buzz is a step change, they have all of the technology in their algorithm to pull the status updates that I really need together int …” said Twitter sensation @realpaulirwin in a tweet based interview. “That means the important task of getting a complete picture of the lunch choices of all my friends can be done easily and...

[Click headline for more]

International Shock As Celebrity Arranges Letters To Spell Naughty Words

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 15:34:00 +0000

The United Nations was today considering the ramifications, on both the emergency situation in Haiti and the ongoing efforts towards a peaceful settlement in the middle east, that will be felt by news that a minor TV presenter had discovered how to use the text messaging function on his phone. “That Vernon Kay has sent text messages is not the major issue,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon at an emergency meeting of the Security Council. ”It is that he managed to arrange some of the letters to enable the pixels to spell what some might think are sexy words.” Many analysts believe that...

[Click headline for more]

Analysts Believe GOP Has Changed Electoral Strategy From “Given Up” To “Slapstick Comedy” With Introduction Of The “Palin Palm-Prompter”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 17:16:00 +0000

The Republican Party of the United States today moved closer to putting its large ‘southern hospitality’ weight behind Sarah Palin in its search for a politician who won’t put off voters with complicated policies or intelligent concepts. “Many ordinary extremists want to turn to Sarah Palin since they’re turned off by Obama speeches that you just can’t write into a single twitter tweet,” said Kurt Billingsworthski, one of the founders of the Tea Party Movement. “One of Mrs Palin’s key strengths is that you can’t fit more than one hundred forty letters into her Jesus loving hand.” Mr...

[Click headline for more]

Apple Unveils Another Technological Breakthrough With New Compact “iPad Nano”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 02:06:00 +0000

Apple has moved to once again take the portable consumer communications industry by storm with its latest product launch. The company has announced a product that aims to make the well tested and hugely popular touchscreen technology of the iPad, so familiar in trains, airports and Starbucks across the world, readily accessible and even more portable. “We all know that the iPad has revolutionised our smug, coffee shop web surfing habits. Now we want to make it easier for our polo-necked customers to have a superior air about them wherever they may be,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs making the...

[Click headline for more]

Hotline Closes Upon News That Swine Flu “May Not Have Killed Everyone On Earth After All”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 01:14:00 +0000

The government has announced the closure of the Swine Flu hotline so beloved of journalists and other layabouts. This comes less than two months after the Chief Medical Officer admitted that the Swine Flu outbreak may not have been quite as deadly as first feared. Figures indicate that 392 people have died from the mild flu, a figure slightly less than the 210 million September death-rate predicted for the small sea-side town of Formby alone. “It turns out that there may be one or two people still alive, somewhere,” said Medical Officer Sir Nigel Billingsworth. “Even so, this still...

[Click headline for more]

Vatican Prejudice Expert Blasts British Equality Laws As Having “Insufficient Inequality”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 12:35:00 +0000

Prejudice enthusiast Pope Benedict XVI has hit out at the UK's proposed laws aimed at inequality in the workplace saying that there is simply not enough prejudice to satisfy his lust for objectification and subjugation. “I know good prejudice when I see it, I am an expert with over 70 years experience in bigoted organisations ranging from the Hitler Youth to the Roman Catholic Church,” said the Pontiff. “The British legislation would mean the Church would have to consider non-Catholics, gays and even women as the equal of a blessed donkey.” Pope Benedict was providing his expert analysis of...

[Click headline for more]

David Cameron Urges Householders To “drag burglars into the kitchen, it's where the knives are”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 15:45:00 +0000

Conservative leader David Cameron has pledged to strengthen the laws protecting householders if they beat up an intruder in the middle of the night, or maim a dinner party guest whose house price growth is better than your own. “I believe these people leave their human rights outside, so we will make sure that you can drag a hoodie into your kitchen before you give him a good beating,” said Mr Cameron. “As the criminals say ‘You just watch your step in my manor’ … house.” Mr Cameron said that the law must be clear, unambiguous and above all appealing to those people who only read the...

[Click headline for more]

Apple's Steve Jobs Regrets Asking Dom Joly To Design His New "3rd Category" Device

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 22:42:00 +0000

[Click headline for more]

A-Level Pupils Practice At Being Whiny University Students Following “Difficult” Exam

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 16:09:00 +0000

Future undergraduates were today engaged in a further day’s practice to be whiny university students by continuing to complain that one of their A-level exams may have been more difficult than expected given the last several decades of record pass rates. “Dat Biology exam was like soo unfair. There was like q’s on it that I didn’t no no answers to or nofink, There was like nuthin off of de course on it,” said one complainant. “If dis one is so hard I’m real worried about ma English exam.” The complaints about the AQA Biology Unit 4 paper allege that the questions bore no resemblance to the...

[Click headline for more]

TV debates de-railed by Party Leaders’ demands

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 14:08:00 +0000

As the nation waits eagerly for the first of the televised debates between party leaders in the run up to this year’s general election it has been revealed that the shows may actually be cancelled due to the demands being placed upon organisers by the three main political parties. “There is the expected posturing about the make-up of the audience and the proportion of supporters for each party,” said TV insider. “Labour wants more as it has a majority in the Commons, the Tories want more because they are ahead in the polls and the Liberal Democrats want more because Nick Clegg has more Gs in...

[Click headline for more]

Jesus Loves You - To Kill People With His Sniper Sights

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 17:34:00 +0000

American snipers today expressed gratitude that their endeavours to supply death at a great distance had been formerly sanctioned by Jesus Christ following news that their sniper scopes contained inscriptions of teachings from the Bible. “It's one thing having all the training and experience to be able to kill someone from over a mile away,” said a US army sniper. “But it makes me feel proud to know that when I drop a rag-head or a hippy, Jesus is sitting on my shoulder and approving my target selection.” The company, Jesus Loves War Machines, based in Scranton, Ohio in the USA, has been...

[Click headline for more]

As the 25th anniversary passes we try to remember life before the Sinclair C5

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 02:05:00 +0000

A quarter of a century may not seem like a long time, but like the mobile phone, or the internet, it is difficult to imagine exactly how we lived before our towns were filled with the distinctive whine of straining electric motors or the hillsides strewn with panting red-faced drivers that so characterise the environment in the post-C5 era. 25 years ago this week the streets of the UK, and the world, were completely free of Sinclair C5s. Pavements outside coffee shops, libraries and intensive-care units at hospitals were not lined with rows of scattered and crushed electric tricycles,...

[Click headline for more]

FBI – more “aged” images of Osama Bin Laden released

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 01:42:00 +0000

The United States Federal Bureau of Investigations was forced into an embarrassing admission regarding recently released images of Osama Bin Laden aged by a decade. Supposedly processed using sophisticated analytical techniques they had in fact been cut and pasted together from images found on the Internet, including one of a serving Spanish politician. Today the FBI has released further images in the same series in the hope that one of them will assist in the identification of the leader of Al Qaeda, who may be walking among us.

[Click headline for more]

Architects demonstrate faith in the strength of their buildings by hiring Sir Fred Goodwin

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 16:25:00 +0000

Edinburgh based architects RMJM have announced an ambitious plan to demonstrate to the world the strength of their designs by hiring failed banker Sir Fred “pisstake” Goodwin. Sir Fred rose to fame in 2008 when he successfully overturned established business practice by having neither any banking qualifications nor having to take responsibility for his company’s failed strategy. “RMJM is a leading architectural practice with a proven track record for innovative structures and spaces that will stand the test of time,” said spokesman Morrison McBillingsworth. “To prove this, we have hired a...

[Click headline for more]

Pat Robertson's face has been “brought upon himself by pact with Satan”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 02:47:00 +0000

The face of American TV evangelist Pat Robertson has revealed publicly for the first time that it is the victim of a pact made by its owner, Pat Robertson, with the devil. “Something happened a long time ago in Virginia, and people might not want to talk about it,” said Pat Robertson's face whilst its owner was recovering from ingesting his own weight-loss shake made from the blood of living goats. “Religion on television was under the heel of the , uh, you know, considered and learned people, so Pat swore a pact to the devil, true story. And so the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' And Pat was...

[Click headline for more]

Minority Extremist Anti-Islamist Facebook Group Raises Profile Of Minority Extremist Islamist Group

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 16:26:00 +0000

A Facebook group set-up to raise the profile of Islamic extremists was today celebrating its success as all news outlets continued to report extensively about the previously little known Islam4UK group who wish to bring Sharia Law and the joys of the middle-ages to Britain. “We are really pleased that we have been able to get them as much publicity as we have,” said Paul Billingsworth, the creator of the Facebook group that helped rally publicity for the Muslim extremists. “Our 800,000 members ensured that we got Islam4UK all over the newspapers and enabled the spread of hatred further and...

[Click headline for more]

Snow chaos – how the UK has coped with the snowflake

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 14:31:00 +0000

Expert research over the past week has revealed that the current snow chaos sweeping the land can be overcome with some ground breaking new approaches such as “wearing some boots and a scarf” and “walking a bit more slowly and carefully”. “I remember when I was a child we sometimes used to, how did you say it? ‘Go out in the snow’ – mad! But in the last few years whenever the early morning view from my window doesn’t look normal I just phone in to say I will work from home,” said snowplough driver Herbert Billingsworth. The media was quick to cast blame and analyse the implications for...

[Click headline for more]

New game show attempts to drive contestants to suicide

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 10:55:00 +0000

Sources within ITV revealed that the one time television maker plans to increase it's quality output with a new show whose aim is for one group of contestants to drive another player to commit suicide. “Embarrassment has always been a corner stone of Saturday night on ITV,” said the source. “Of course traditionally it has been the viewer embarrassed for Cheryl Cole struggling with English or the cringe-worthiness of Ant and Dec, whichever is which, fluffing their lines during their ad-libs. But now we want to take it to the next level.” Following on from ‘Take Me Out’ and its predecessor...

[Click headline for more]

China lambastes UK's Human Rights record

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 22:41:00 +0000

The Chinese government today launched a scathing attack on Britain's Human Rights record citing a list of persecutions and abuse of political prisoners, particularly those imprisoned in central London. “It is appalling that in the 21st century a country is able to treat people so harshly, especially when the victim has committed no crime other than have political views,” said Yin Birrings, the Politburo Under Secretary for Prisoner Re-education and China's leading Cattle-Prod Salesman. “The treatment meted out to Gordon Brown would never be allowed in the People's Republic.” The Chinese...

[Click headline for more]

Review of the Year 2009 – with James “Bloody” Corden

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 13:03:00 +0000

As the year comes to an end we all make a list of things we would like to change for the 12 months ahead. As regular followers - no you are not mere followers, you are lovers, devotees, and evangelists for Surreal Scoop – as dependants upon the wisdom of these pages know, movie deals, TV shows will all be on your list of things to arrange for me in the coming year. Write to your MP. Do it now, I will be here when you get back. Thank you, now let us proceed. As my prosperous 2010, filled with riches, fame and as much drugs as I can snort off Kylie Minogue's tits beckons, so my lonely,...

[Click headline for more]

Simon Cowell to launch new range of “X Factor fanny hammers”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 19:56:00 +0000

Simon Cowell the man who revolutionised the pub karaoke market hopes to capitalise on his huge home spinster fan-base and the obvious link up with the Susan Boyle brand by launching a new range of vibrator products aimed at those who feel the urge to rage against the machine. “We have high hopes for our XXX Factor Fanny Hammer range,” said Simon Cowell at the product unveiling. “There is a large market for such products and we feel that ours can fill that opening.” The range comes with various features that the company believes will help them achieve maximum penetration with the target...

[Click headline for more]