Surreal Scoop

Trump vs Salt Bae

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Mon, 21 Jul 2025 13:26:00 +0000

The most transparent Presidency the USA has ever seen

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 16 Jul 2025 15:15:00 +0000

Today it was announced that the USA was enjoying the most transparent presidency in its history. All issues are handled openly and without fear or favour.

"My Presidency has been one of complete transparency, like no one can believe," said President Donald Trump. "Like my tax returns, there is nothing for you to see in the inner workings of my administration."

President Trump was particularly pleased with the fact that there was nothing for anyone to see in the Jeffrey Epstein archives, not on video, or photographs. Not even observation logs.

"I really can't find anything that you could see," said Donald Trump who has openly appeared on the Epstein flight logs. "I was a dear friend of Epstein for decades. I lived openly near him and Ghislaine Maxwell in both Palm Beach and in New York. I have only best wishes for her"

The current President of the USA's transparency is not just a new trend, he very much practised it in his first term. Back then he was completely clear about choosing Alex Acosta as his Labor Secretary who had openly negotiated Epstein's immunity from federal prosecution.

Trump has also openly employed Howard Lutnick as his commerce secretary. Lutnick bought a property from Epstein and lived next door to the sex offender, also in New York.

"It's absolutely transparent my dealings with Epstein, Maxwell and Lutnick," said Trump. "And I have been transparent in telling you that the Epstein files that I campaigned on releasing simply cannot be seen."

It takes too much work to compile a list of Epstein's clients.

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 08 Jul 2025 17:02:00 +0000

The Supposed "client list" of convinced sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was declared non-existent by the Department of Justice of the USA.

"After the reviewing a big stack of documents I did not find a handwritten note from Epstein" said Attorney General Pamela Billingsworth. "No sireee, I've read several pages of those documents, so many pages you would not believe, and I have not found anything to publish."

The list of supposed clients of Epstein, for whom it is assumed that he procured young women, has long been rumoured to exist snice it is further rumoured that a great source of his wealth and influence came from his ability to blackmail those for whom he had provided such services.

However the Department Of Justice has now said that after reviewing thousands of hours of CCTV it has come to the conclusion that over 1,000 women and girls were harmed by Epstein alone and that Ghislaine Maxwell was procuring them solely for her boyfriends own needs.

"Certainly it looks that way from the hour I have put into reading all them big old documents full of all them long words. I'm here for the drama and the glory, not reading!", said Billingsworth. "But you rest assured if I should come across a list of names, of powerful, influential figures that have been involved in such shameful acts I reserve the right to release that list all the way from A to S."

Now is never the time for gun control politics

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Mon, 07 Jul 2025 14:31:00 +0000

Politicians all over the USA have revealed their scheduled tweets in time for the next mass shooting at a school or religious service.

"I think it's important for the people of the USA to know that we have planned ahead and are ready to get straight onto social media," said Bret Billingsworth III (R)). "The people of whichever great state the next shooting will take place in deserve this level of care."

Important tweets that are planned and ready to go include:-

"Our thoughts and prayers go out to the residents of -insertPlaceName- at this difficult time. We know that the people of -insertPlaceName- are tough, resilient and have always come together to support others from -insertPlaceName.- God Bless -insertPlaceName-".

"We are horrified and heartbroken to learn of the significant loss of life in the shooting in -insertPlaeName - Now is not the time for discussions about gun-control not when people are concerned and the incident is fresh in people's minds"

Great care has also been taken to deal with the issues of ethnicity and integration in areas in which such a shooting might lead to division.

If the shooter's ethnicity is of white, European descent:-

"We should not release the name of the shooter as that gives the oxygen of publicity they craved in life. But we should ensure that we are focussed on issues of mental health in -insertPlaceName-"

If the shooter is of another ethnic origin:-

"We need everyone to know who these people are and what a risk to our society uncontrolled immigration is on a daily basis. They are coming from grandma next."

"Also, we are pushing through an important bill with regards to issues of gun violence, " explained Billingswoth III. "The Federal government will make a fund of $100bn available so that politicians of all stripes can suitably staff their social media teams at such a difficult time."

Jeremy Corbyn to launch new "Contrary Party", Nigel Farage interested in pact

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Thu, 03 Jul 2025 20:18:00 +0000

Jeremy Corbyn has hinted that he may launch a new party, the "Contrary Party" as an alternative to being responsible for policy.

"I got scared a few years ago when a group of right-wing commentators convinced a load of students to support me as leader of the Labour Party," he said from the memorial service for some 'freedom fighter' somewhere. "It looked like I might have to be in government and actually put into practice all these principles that I have so proudly and proudly controversially held."

Corbyn, no doubt holding a wreath and condemning something that Britain did, was thought to have done, or perhaps might well do in the future, was speaking on a bourgeois, capitalist TV programme barely fit to carry his contrarian views.

"There is an independent group of MPs who absolutely want to criticise everything without there being any risk of them having to come up with a policy to correct the massive, genuine, historic and ideologic injustice which we have no doubt is at the heart of your question, "he said. "What was it again?".

The new party will be based on 40 years of steadfast refusal to support any government or party, even one he was leading.

Upon hearing the news an excited Nigel Farage was understood to be making overtures of a coalition.

"Arguing against everything everyone else has done, and putting forward policies that I will never have to carry through myself has been my entire political career," said Farage during a press conference to complain about being not being able to get his message across. "I look forward to working with Mr Corbyn for at least a few months until we fall out over who gets top billing on the posters."

Farage promises to spend £34bn to give every low-paid worker £25

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 24 Jun 2025 13:40:00 +0000

Reform UK has launched it's new Britannia card which will cost the hard pressed taxpayer a mere £34bn a year but ensure that 10% of the lowest paid workers will receive an extra £25 per year.

The scheme, which a foreign billionaire can join with a simple one-off lifetime payment of £250,000 will mean that they no longer have to worry about paying tax in the UK. However the natives will have to make up the tax take gap - calculated at being about £34bn or about £9,000 per tax payer.

"It's a great deal for foreign billionaires, they get to save millions, a great deal for British low-earners who get £25!" exclaimed Farage from his box at Ascot. "That's 10 Euromillions lottery tickets. Wait, not the Euro one. Don't buy that one."

When pressed as who he thought would be the perfect candidate for the ticket, The Member of Parliament for Florida indicated one particular category of non-domiciled oligarch.

"Well, I think if you are just about to enter you 80s, probably changing jobs and may well soon be seeking asylum," he said. "I think being able relax on your golf course and spend all the extra money on all fake tan you need will be very appealing. Do people pay VAT on fake tan? Or is that a business expense?"

Raise a question about “Regime Change” to restore a once great nation

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Mon, 23 Jun 2025 16:59:00 +0000

Can the international community stand idly by as a once free nation descends into authoritarian oppression? That is the question being asked in capital cities around the world. The patterns are clear.

The current regime in Washington D.C. is a theocratic institution seen as largely a façade for the evangelical Christian movement who have anointed their leader, President Donald Trump as a demi-god.

During his first term Trump encouraged insurrectionists to march on the Capitol building. The mob armed with a gallows stormed the building to disrupt what had up until that point been the traditionally peaceful transition of power. A mob whose members were, upon Trump’s returning to power in his second term, pardoned of their treasonous behaviour.

Trump has turned his aggression to both internal and international foes. He has conducted negotiations with Iran knowing full well that Israel was planning to attack during them and then joined in himself with a bombing raid on nuclear facilities.

Domestically he has deployed troops onto the nation’s streets to quell protests at his policies and all of this in a country notorious for gerrymandered election districts in which the candidate who spends the most wins.

Closer to home, Trump has threatened to annex a peaceful neighbour in Canada, whilst threatening to crush its economy if it does not comply. He has threatened a land grab to take control of Greenland and the Panama Canal over resources he simply wants.

All of this against a backdrop of a failed economic policy in which he has used tariffs to impose sanctions on his own working people onto whom he is, through his Big Beautiful Bill moving the tax burden from the wealthiest in society with any shortfall being made-up by the tariff funds acting as a federal Value Added Tax.

“It’s clear that this despotic behaviour cannot be allowed to continue, otherwise the USA as we know it will cease to be,” said Ali Billingsworthni from his office in Tehran. “Perhaps we need to simply raise a question about regime change in the USA.”

Narrow and Limited Military action, day 8,130

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 22 Jun 2025 19:29:00 +0000

Speaking from his grave, the late Donald Rumsfeld solemnly marked the 8,130^th day since the beginning of the narrow and limited action to remove Weapons of Mass Destruction from Iraq.

“We said all along that Iraq should not have a nuclear weapon since that would destabilise the region,” said the former Secretary of Defense. “That was very much a known, known.”

As tensions once again lead to military action in the region figures from beyond the grave, or indeed the fiery pits in which they are currently residing, are surfacing to commemorate the successful way in which air strikes have always ended all such conflicts exactly on the neat, telegenic political terms that they are ordered on.

“The initial spectacular military success proved decisive two decades ago. We barely had to deploy a tiny force of only about half-a-million soldiers,” he said. “It led to a mere few hundred thousands of people killed, millions injured and displaced.”

Rumsfeld went on to emphasise that without the limited action in Iraq then, the region now, in 2025, would be filled with warring factions, not just in Iraq, but conflict would have spilled across borders, likely happening in all areas of the middle east. Such as Israel and Iran.

Also speaking was Colin Powell who emphasised the role that intelligence gathering plays in such actions.

“We were clear that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, which we have just entered our third decade of trying to find, “ he said. “This was despite all the information from our own and allied intelligence gathering saying Iraq did not have any such capability. But you can’t listen to such reports from so-called experts as they don’t have prime time shows on Fox.”

The Vice President of the United States, J.D. Vance was pleased to emphasise that he is very much still involved, and who, despite his use of eye make-up is very much alive. “Israel has been claiming for just as long that Iran is on the brink of obtaining a nuclear weapon. So, we must act now,” he said. “And those bunker busting bombs are not cheap, have the Iranian’s even said thank you?”

LEAKED: More specs of the new Trump Phone

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 17 Jun 2025 14:10:00 +0000

Everyone is desperate for news of the must-have new Made In America phone and we have some exclusive details of the new T1 handset that have been leaked from the design office in Chengdu (absolutely, really the one in Missouri).

Truth Social will be built into the phone.
The on-screen keyboard will only contain upper case letters.
The phone will be able to tell if you have been sitting too long and therefore are at risk of your legs going numb whilst posting from the toilet
With predictive text a-plenty it will transform any message into your own personalised weave, like no one has seen before. It will also make sure to auto-correct any nasty phrases you might use about beloved old politicians with great hair like no one can believe
There will a “Secret Messaging” mode in which all your messages will automatically be copied to journalists to save you time in your busy day showing off about the military stuff you know
The in-built camera will come with a range of orange filters.
It’s in-built AI will be able to perform facial detection on brown people and live stream to Homeland Security.
The phone will come with 47 new emojis of President Trump in various Iron Man poses to help you express yourself. But only one female emoji for discussing nasty women. No black emojis
Its battery life will be like no other phone and, being measured in Made in American units, will last several days (on Jupiter)
Much like President Trump, it will be light! Stated to only weigh 6 ounces in Made in America units (2 pounds).
The phone will use the latest Made In America Motorola 68000 processor and featuring the latest Made in America graphics from ColecoVision and so be able to display the Gorilla Channel in cyan, magenta, yellow and white simultaneously!
It will come pre-installed with the game everyone is talking about “Trump’s Pong”

We've been here before

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sat, 27 May 2017 19:43:00 +0000

Leaked Transcript of President Obama Spy Conversations

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Fri, 17 Mar 2017 16:39:00 +0000

The Russian state news outlet, FoskiNews has obtained a transcript of conversations they claim reveal evidence of the spying conducted by former President Barack Obama. The transcript is from the phone records within the White House:-

Transcript dated 4^th July 2016

President Obama : Mary [White House switchboard assistant] can you please get me Quentin Billingsworth-Smythe at Government Communications Headquarters in the United Kingdom

Mary : Yes Mr President connecting you now - they are on line zero-zero-seven

GCHQ: Ahoy, this is Quentin Billingsworth-Smythe, certainly listening to this phone call, but not any others of course.

Obama : Hey Q, I believe there is a brown girl in the ring?

GCHQ : Indeed, and a brown boy in the oval?

Obama : Trying to shoot some hoops.

GCHQ : Ah, it is you Agent double-O-bama, how are you, how is it going in the rebel colony?

Obama : All good old chap, I could do with a favour though.

GCHQ : Of course, we have been very pleased with your efforts.

Obama : Well my deep cover is coming to an end, I only have 6 months left in this President role, I need to keep tabs on who takes over after me.

GCHQ : We are pretty comfortable here, we have good relations with the Clinton campaign going back to the, hopefully first, President Clinton.

Obama : I’m thinking about Trump.

GCHQ : Really? He’s the comedy candidate isn’t he, a bit like our Screaming Lord Such? He’s not got a chance, you’ve heard what he has been saying about all the taboo subjects, immigrants, women, disabled people, no fool would vote for him.

Obama : Since I’ve been in America I have learned there are many fools.

GCHQ : Really? What help do you need from the mother country?

Obama : Well I was thinking of a bit of “wire tapping”. Obviously not just listening to phones but a bit of general surveillance.

GCHQ : OK, well we can get you the listening devices dropped by drone to the usual place, you’ve still got your underwater car haven’t you?

Obama : Best way to beat the traffic on the I95

GCHQ : Yes, whatever that is. Anything else?

Obama : I plan to abseil down the west face of Trump tower, can you supply a silent black helicopter.

GCHQ : As always.

Obama : And can I keep it for the weekend? I plan to take Michelle to the Bulls' game afterwards.

GCHQ : Of course, we’ll take care of his CCTV for you, he’s running Windows 95. We may as well hack his AOL account while we are at it. Anything else?

Obama : Well, next year after I leave office, I was thinking about where I am going to live.

GCHQ : You need some help finding a place back in Kenya?

Obama : Not yet, I need to let the dust settle before I go back. No, I was wondering if you could help me renovate my old lair in Hawaii, I think some of the walkways around the volcano will need replacing, and the helipad needs to be resurfaced. Also, the roof of the mosque needs work.

GCHQ : Can’t you just move into our base in George Washington’s head in Mount Rushmore?

Obama : Rushmore? Oh Allah no. I couldn’t move in there, the neighbours are awful. Jimmy Carter is always firing off his death rays from Lincoln’s eyes.

Transcript ends.

Unpleasant, self-serving people revealed to be self-serving and unpleasant.

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sun, 26 Jun 2016 20:51:00 +0000

After months of campaigning, where each side accused each other of spreading fear, the UK EU referendum produced a surprise result, that the side which was promoting hatred and division, blaming ills on minorities in society along with obviously misleading statistics has been revealed to be composed of unpleasant people purely out for their own ends.

“This has been a complete shock to me, I never expected people who were transparently only in it for their own careers to be self-serving,” said one disillusioned Briton. “And, the guys blaming everything on the immigrants it turns out they are quite unpleasant people.”

One of the leading self-servers, Boris Johnson, defended his behaviour during the campaign, whilst making a speech to ensure everyone understood he could be a bit prime ministerial.

“Look, gosh, no I won’t say that, let me start again. And notice the low, deliberate tone of my speech, very much like Churchill. So, let’s start again,” he said wondering whether or not to grasp his lapels. “Now, it not a time for recrimination. I have campaigned all along to make sure that I will be Prime Minister, erm that Britain should leave the EU. Despite being pretty consistent that there was no need for a referendum, and that leaving the EU would cause uncertainty in business, tying up the government for years and not solve any of the country’s problems, I realised that staying in would not solve my problem, of being able to stick on one Gideon Osbourne and thus become PM. Cripes, I mean, Oh yes.”

Another unpleasant man backed Mr Johnson stating that the EU referendum was about more than mere facts, or a desire to improve things.

“No, now let’s be clear, I was a key part of one of a government that has cut more from services that the poorest people depend on, at no point was I ever going to invest more money in the NHS, even now that I can return to the cabinet since I am on the winning Leave side.” said Ian Duncan Smith from his underground lair. “So to be clear, if we don’t give £350m per week to the EU, which we don’t, then we can spend that on the NHS, which we won’t. I can’t be clearer than that, I never said we would spend £350m per week on the NHS. So, there, let’s get on with spending £350m per week on the NHS. Which we won’t.”

One of the other key unpleasant men has also achieved his own personal aims which involved a desire to experience time travel.

“Whether it be education, or justice, in whatever role I had in government, my solution to every problem has been to simply try to do what we used to do many years ago,” said the former, current actor. “And I want to go further. When everyone pointed out that my solution to improving GCSE standards was simply to introduce O-Levels, I went further, and suggested that parents teach the classes, just like they probably did in the middle ages. I don’t know O-level history was very hard when I was at school,” said Gove as he was being stroked by Ian Duncan Smith. “Oh, that’s lovely. And, further now I get to turn back clock to when I was born, and Britain wasn’t in the EU. With luck we can recreate having to go to the IMF for a loan.”

However it would be unfair to say that the Leave campaign was only composed of unpleasant men. There are unpleasant women too.

“I think it’s ridiculous that people think I am ridiculous for saying that it’s not the Leave campaign that should have a plan for leaving the EU, clearly we can leave that to the Prime Minster who campaigned to stay,” said Julia Hartley-Brewer an MP and someone who makes the law of the land, no seriously. “I am just here to make noise, not to actually do anything. So you can’t hold me responsible for carrying out the things I have said should be done. That is man’s work. I think. I’ll obviously have to ask Boris to make sure.”

EU referendum campaigners warn of more attacks by Godzilla

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 18 May 2016 13:36:00 +0000

As the country nears the crucial EU referendum more and more detail is being revealed about the impacts and perils of leaving, or remaining part of, the European Union. With just a few weeks to go, the arguments are increasingly becoming technical, sifting carefully through mountains of economic and social data to tease quanta of vital information and illuminate of the intricacies of a decision that will affect all, or no one, in our everyday lives.

“It’s absolutely clear that if Britain leaves the EU then we expose ourselves to increased risk of foreign invasion, specifically from the Orient, from the East, from that giant of Asia,” explained David Cameron. “I refer of course to Godzilla, and how Britain would once again have to fight as it’s cities are crushed under radioactive, reptilian feet.”
However the Brexit camp was quick to move to counter what they said was unwarranted, scaremongering based purely on hyperbole.

“Nonsense, Britain would not be alone! Golly of course not, Britain is head of the Commonwealth, a group of 53 countries, 2 billion people,” explained Boris Johnson. “And, let us be sure, the home of King Kong who we could surely enlist in this titanic struggle.”

Campaigners have been quick to seize on the subtle details of EU treaties, intentional trade deals and political manifestos in a bid to bring clarity and understanding to the people of the UK faced with making a difficult choice in such a technical subject as the benefits, or otherwise, of continued EU membership.

“Indeed, not only has Boris so eloquently described how Britain and the commonwealth are exceptionally unique in having such an abundance of 60 foot tall prehistoric apes. Indeed it is to the seas that this great trading nation of ours should look and form new alliances,” explained Nigel Farage. “Outwards to the global Commonwealth and to the riches of the Pacific, where we are sure to be able to form a trade deal with the Kaiju.”

This EU exit strategy has been attacked from many sides, principally the assumption that leaving the EU would cause the immediate cessation of trade with the continent and indeed that said trade can be just as instantly be replaced with that with other sources.

“An alliance of this sort would be worrying indeed. We would obviously then be limited in our access to Jaeger technology, that way lies isolationism, totalitarianism,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Britain might well be driven into the arms of the Decepticons as a counterbalance.”

“All this talk of any alliance in the Pacific is of course complete and utter nonsense, and a conspiracy of the highest order,” blasted George Galloway. “Everyone knows the Pacific Ocean is a hoax perpetrated by Zionists.”

One former politician has come out of seclusion to weigh in on the current situation in British politics, feeling that only now can he finally be clear about where he stands on the crucial debate.

“Look, whether it be Conservative, or Labour, nationalist or socialist, please stop trying to quote me and drag me into your debates,” complained Adolf Hitler from his bunker in the Canary Islands. “My reputation has suffered enough over the years without being linked to Boris Johnson or Ken Livingston.”

Retro Game Review - Hoovering “not got that one more go feeling”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sat, 12 Mar 2016 14:26:00 +0000

Surreal Scoop’s resident game reviewer, Nathan Billingsworth has recently left home and takes the opportunity that setting up a new place affords him for a spot of retro gaming.

“I recently moved into a flat of my own and it’s taken a bit of time for the broadband internet to get sorted,” said Billingsworth. “Being offline does not mean that I cannot game, in fact it gave me the opportunity to investigate some retro-games. Are these games from the past worth a look now?

“I tried out a spot of Hoovering. It is a very old game I’ve never previously considered , but something my mum has been playing for years. In addition it is something that has no online requirements at all. Although there is a specific hardware requirement of a Vacuum Cleaner, although this is a standalone device.

Playability
“The controls are reasonably easy to master. Basically you push a button to start and the same to finish. So far so good.

Graphics
“I found that the whole rendering of the flat was very immersive and fairly realistic. I certainly had that feeling of being there. In fact at times it felt almost too real and the particle effects of the dust clouds from under the sofa were so convincing that I found myself almost ready to sneeze.”

Sound
“This was one area that definitely let the game down - the sound was a bit of a monotonous whine, mostly. There was some music but it was mostly drowned out by the whine that persisted throughout the game. The audio balance could have been better so as to bring the music to the foreground. Based on this I would recommend the use of headphones when playing Hoovering for any length of time.”

Gameplay
All in all I’d say this isn’t too bad. I am not sure I see in the game the kind of longevity that my mum has got out of it, She must have played it thousands of times, although I am told there are different rooms each with their own challenges, and the boss level of Stairs is quite difficult to master. I found a bonus level called “bathroom” that I hadn’t expected in the game, and there was a checkpoint issue when a glitch with the dust bag upgrade made me have to restart in the bedroom, which was very annoying.

Verdict
OK, I suppose, to while away a few minutes at a time. It’s the kind of thing you might come back to for a nostalgia fix once a year or so, but definitely doesn’t ooze that “just one more go” feeling. I think even my mum has got bored of it and has turned to speed-running hoovering. She does tell me that I should also consider some further games in the same series such as “Laundry” but I think I’ll leave that to her.

Apple insists “error 53 vital for nation’s security”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sat, 20 Feb 2016 08:31:00 +0000

The internet is awash with complaints from iPhone users who have had their phone repaired by a local, non-Apple phone shop, and therefore not repaired by a genius in a polo-shirt, to find that the phones refuse to operate - displaying messages such as “error 53”. Apple has released a press statement insisting that the iPhone’s constant checks for component integrity are important to maintain the device’s security, especially for use by secret agents.

“Imagine you were in the Presidential Suite of a five-star hotel in Bangkok and just about to have sex with the stunning Russian woman you met a couple of hours ago in a burning warehouse,” asked Heidi Billingsworth, senior product evangelist at Apple. “After the passion, you want to know that you can drift off into sleep, not having to worry about those four men that chased your rickshaw in a hail of gunfire.

“With the iPhone constantly checking the integrity of it’s components, you know that the data on the ‘phone is secure, and can disregard that you only managed three confirmed kills in the shoot-out,” Ms Billingsworth added. “You’ll be busy enough when you wake up next to a corpse anyway”

However security experts dismiss the claims, and MI6 itself has released a statement saying that it’s security approach is independent of any design features of Apple devices.

“Well, the thing is there have been a lot of budget cuts, so we don’t use Apple kit now,” said a source that did not wish to be named. “In fact we get all our stuff from a nice Chinese man who runs a stall down at Dartford market. It’s been a great saving over the years, especially as the Chinese government has been very helpful in supplying backup copies of our documents when we do have IT problems.”

Face of Jesus Found in Belgian bun

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 18 Nov 2015 17:07:00 +0000

Jesus fans were today queuing up to see the latest image of their idol that has been discovered in the icing on a Belgian Bun purchased from a bakery in Chatham, Kent.

“It's been bedlam here since I tweeted the picture of Our Lord,” said Ben Billingsworth, a believer from Chatham. “I couldn't believe it when I opened the pack of two buns and found the holy visage staring back at me. It's uncanny”.

Mr Billingsworth has had to hire the local scout hall such is the demand from people to see the bun with people coming from all over the country to queue for up to 7 hours to have a chance of seeing, and taking a selfie with their Saviour.

“Obviously it's an important moment in human history, and I want to bring Christians together at this time. But for those that can't be here I have a range of commemorative holy relics on my website,” said Mr Billingsworth. “There is a very affordable mousemat.”

Skeptics argue that the image may just be coincidence, a fortunate positioning of raisins around the central cherry “nose” or perhaps just a trick of the eye caused my light and shadow playing on the icing.

Others go further and assert that neither the manner of creation of the, nor the lighting conditions in which it is viewed can in anyway cause it to be a representation of Jesus Christ.

“It's clearly an image of Elvis,” said comedian Ricky Gervais.

50 years on new evidence at Dealey Plaza

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sat, 23 Nov 2013 19:26:00 +0000

It may be 50 years since those events that changed the world, but today new evidence is revealed as to what really happened in Dealey Plaza.

The Sun to charge all idiots not just newspaper buyers

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 18:27:00 +0000

UK readers of The Sun are to be charged for online access to the newspaper later this year. News International has said it will allow readers access to 20 sensationalist made-up articles a month and then readers will need to subscribe to read the rest of the rubbish it produces.

"The Sun website is fantastic but I believe that we are all suffering in the print world,” said Chief Executive Mike Billingsworth. “Part of those people are saying day in, day out 'why am I paying for the Sun when I can get a load of made up nonsense by reading Surreal Scoop for free?'."

The Sun, like sister paper The Times before it, will retreat behind a paywall thus forcing both online and newsprint readers to pay to learn details of which celebrity has been to the gym, slept with another celebrity or is starring in a TV show on Sky.

The newspaper industry as a whole is struggling to compete with an online world which can provide news of events as they happen from all over the world and, most importantly, no need to wait a day to read what celebrities wear when they take the dog for a walk. The Sun argues that by forcing people to subscribe to read it's offerings it will be able to retain the high level of output that the nation has come to expect such as the world's leading network of close celebrity confidents happy to spill the beans on tearful late night mobile phone conversations that everyone else would expect only to be known to the callers, and perhaps their voicemail systems.

“Rest assured our long standing journalistic traditions will not be affected by this change to accessing our online content,” said Billingsworth. “The Sun will continue to be news of the tits, by the tits, for the tits.”

Credit Rating companies completely oblivious to their irrelevance continue to issue press releases

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Sat, 23 Mar 2013 01:40:00 +0000

Fitch Ratings tried desperately today to get someone to pay attention to them and their incompetent industry by downgrading another prominent country despite worldwide acceptance that credit rating agencies are as effectual as saying “no” to a priest.

“We have to say that we are putting the UK economy on negative watch, do you hear, negative watch. That's important that is,” said Glenn Billingsworth, Head of Alphabet at Fitch to a well attended gathering at the Derby Girl-Guides and Brownies cake sale. “I know the cupcakes do look lovely, but can you just listen – we might move the UK from AAA to AA+! Do you here AA+?”

Mr Billingsworth said Fitch was joining in with the other ratings agencies in seeking an audience after being rendered utterly meaningless having failed to spot the AAA rated subprime bond collapse. Similarly Standard and Poor's issued 1000 leaflets at last weekend's St. Luke's church fete in Formby explaining its analysis of the 2011 downgrade of the United States. Moody's said they were watching the market intently and are collecting 10p coins in case they need to make use of the Bexley Library photocopier prior to speaking at the Welling United Bring-and-Buy sale.

After Mr Billingsworth's presentation, and the local parents had finished buying cakes, there was time for a question and answer session:-

Sophie (Brownie 7) : “AA+, does that mean Britain is very good?”

GB : “Yes, it does. Very good indeed. Just not quite as good as AAA. If you have an AAA credit rating you are safe to invest in, AA+ you are still safe, but, well, not quite as safe as AAA which is the safest of all.”

Louise (Head Guide, 17) : “So has the UK ever not paid back a debt?”

GB : “No, never. But, erm, well it might sort of not pay back something, but of course it will pay it back as we still think it is AA+”

Katie (Guide, 15) : “So what is the point of changing the rating?”

GB: “Well it's very complicated in the world of financial instruments. I am not sure we have the background knowledge here in this lovely, lovely hall to fully cover the intricacies of sovereign debt. But the chance of us downgrading the rating is the important bit, that you should tell your mums and dads about. Negative Watch is the phrase, shall we say it together?”

Mary (Brownie, 6) : “But for years didn't you insist that your subprime Collateralised Debt Obligations were AAA rating even though, for example, the Credit Suisse issue ended up losing investors $125m?”

GB: “Sorry little girl, I can't hear you over that vacuum cleaner. Is that the time already? I really should be going.”

Inner Party to ensure all comment is plusgood plustrue via Royal Charter

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 17:05:00 +0000

Approved communication no. 4213253/201303-SS1

The beloved Prime Minister of the UK, in collaboration with the ~~self-appointed~~ Deputy PM, the leader of the opposition and a ~~well funded lobby~~ group of concerned victims of unspeakable outrage, have approved the creation of a regulatory body to ensure that the press is free to print only the truth.

In what was a clear victory for ~~the Conservatives the Liberal Democrats the Labour Party Hollywood celebrity fronted Hacked Off victims of scurrilous press intrusion no one~~ everyone there will now be a new body formed via a Royal Charter, that will ensure that ~~corrupt politicians~~ hard working public servants and ~~intoxicated, weakly~~ talented celebrities ~~in rehab~~ who give up their time for charitable efforts can conduct their lives reading only plusgood messages about themselves.

“It has become apparent, over the very recent hundreds of years of the free press in the UK that some journalists have been stepping outside of acceptable behaviour,” said the Prime Minister. “They have conducted in bribery, unauthorised access to communications systems and contempt of court. Actions which are only covered by existing bribery, communications and contempt of court laws. Therefore we need the state to have more powers to ensure that they don't break those laws again.”

There will begin an education period for the Proles to ensure that they understand that ~~the radical adoption of press regulation risks~~ ~~the ability to speak truth~~ ~~to power~~ there will be no change in their freedom and that they will continue to be ~~watched over~~ cared for benevolently by un-necessarily elected, ~~graspers of power~~ hard working public servants.

“It's horrifying, all those papers I was forced to buy to read all that intriguing speculation about whether that bloke with the mad hair, or that couple of doctors, had been murdering people. It's good to know I won't be forced to buy that stuff again,'” said ~~Winston~~ Citizen Billingsmith. “These new laws to stop bribery and hacking and so on will be thought through carefully, of course, to ensure that we still find out which celebs have been shagging.”

Inner Party members such as politicians and celebrities have welcomed the proposals, especially the ability for those media that do not sign up to the new regulatory body to have to incur all costs of litigation, even if they successfully defend their cases. On the other hand some disloyal members of the press have expressed concern at not being present at the late-night negotiations that took place in Room 101 of the ministry's Victory Square building.

“At no point has the press been excluded from a process in which we did not let them take part. Their voices have not been ignored, since we didn't ask their opinion,” said Nick Clegg, the ~~self-appointed Deputy Prime-Minister~~ treacherous twat.

Bank Of England To Treat Banks As Banks Treat Customers

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 19:27:00 +0000

The Bank of England is to consider a bold approach of treating the High Street banks in the same manner as they treat their customers, by instigating charges on the money a bank holds with the central bank.

“I went into my bank the other day to try to work out what to do with my savings that had mysteriously dropped to paying, basically, fuck all percent interest,” said deputy governor Paul Billingsworth. “I decided to move some money about, then the rob-dogs started going on about charging to write cheques. I thought, 'right, lets do the fuckers right over'.”

The statement was part of the evidence that Mr Billingsworth gave to the Treasury Committee regarding consideration for instigating negative interest rates.

“Basically we will charge them for holding their money with us, see how they like that,” he said. “When they want to hold less, well I might just charge them for making the withdrawal. Seems only fair.”

The banking industry reacted angrily to the news and said the action would have severe repercussions on the British economy.

“Negative interest rates will affect key areas of society, namely bank profits and those profits are needed to pay the bonuses that ensure Britain has the finest banking talent retiring at the age of 45,” said a spokesman. “Anyway it's not the Bank of England's money, it's ours, you can't charge us to get at our own money. Oh, I see what you are doing there.”

In other news High Street banks said that savings accounts will now pay zero or less interest and a royalty fee will be levied on anyone using the phrase bank, banker or synonyms such as “thieving, incompetent git”

Image obsessed old cow takes too much HRT

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 19 Feb 2013 16:35:00 +0000

An old woman who fantasies about men in tights for a living reveals she is pretty upset about getting older and no one paying much attention to her for anything other than her mind.

“Plastic smile, that’s what she has. Thin, no wrinkles, lovely hair,” said Hilary Mantel. “She’s not like Diana – whatever that means. And there is no way that William could actually like her for herself. And God, her hair, why isn’t it made of straw like mine?”

The author was giving a dreary lecture at the London Review of Books on the subject of sex with Royalty and what the Royals wear when, realising that the men in the audience were only lusting after her intellectually, launched into an attack on the Duchess of Cambridge.

“She’s only there to look good in clothes, whereas what we all want is a princess wearing sweatpants stained with cider and maybe a few fag burns,” said Ms Mantel, who also has a sideline doing impressions of a startled Hillary Clinton. “And to give birth of course, after being shagged by a man. The lucky bitch.”

Ms Mantel’s lecture was a thoroughly researched, considered and deeply intellectual exercise in judging people solely by how they look or by how other people said that they look, having met few of the subjects herself.

“I’ve read a lot about the sex lives of Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn, its interesting stuff,” she explained. “Fascinating. Strong powerful men taking what they want. Women powerless to resist. I am sixty 60 now, but I was young once. I could show you some photos of a younger me. I am sure you would have … “

Ms Mantel had to leave the lecture to retire to the fainting room and await a “strapping doctor to massage the hysteria away”.

Caesar's speech on future of Europe offers hope of greater role for himself

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 23 Jan 2013 20:23:00 +0000

David “Caesar” Cameron today revealed his intention to desperately assert his role in the centuries old conflict over the future of Europe within the Conservative Party.

“It's time to ask important questions about the Treaty of Rome, some say we should be fearful of asking, “ said Caesar. “But cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once.”

Caesar laid out his plans for a referendum on whether the Conservative Party should openly rebel against his leadership or simply continue to tear itself apart leading to the eventual end of his career just as it had his predecessors.

“I am constant as the Northern Star,” explained Cameron with the Conservation Party united directly behind him as he urged for a referendum on Britain's relationship with other countries, “Get going! Run to your houses, fall on your knees, Pray to the gods to stop the Hague!”

Unfortunately, a party soothsayer lamented that Caesar's fate is sealed in the stars because neither the Tories themselves, nor the other member states, could ever agree on a role for Britain within the EU.

“Those hard hearts and the cruel men of Rome will prevent Caesar continuing to act into the fifth year of the next parliament,” said the sage. “He will of course be stabbed in the back at the beginning of the third year. His political epitaph is likely to be 'Et tu Boris?'.”

Surprise That Professional Soldier Killed Enemy With Multi-Million Pound Death Machine

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Wed, 23 Jan 2013 15:21:00 +0000

The historically peaceful nation of Great Britain today reacted with great surprise as it became apparent that one of their “army” of professional soldiers may have injured an enemy on the battlefield.

“He seemed like such a nice you man, standing there next to his brother at the wedding, wearing that lovely Blues and Royals uniform,” said Edna Billingsworth. “I had no idea that was a military outfit. And they train to kill people you say?”

Mrs Billingsworth was reacting to an interview with a serving army officer, Captain Wales of the Army Air Corps, who explained that after several years of training to kill people, being trained how to use £30m machines of death and having been deployed into battlefield service in a live, decade long, shooting war, that he had been actively attempting to kill the enemy.

“It's not really what I expect of a soldier, least of all one that knows that lovely Kate so well and has such a wonderful brother in William. Such a lovely couple,” said Mrs Billingsworth. “And I saw a picture of the helichopper that he flies, it's very ugly isn't it? That won't look very nice on a tea towel. Can't he fly that nice budgie that his auntie wrote about?”

However the incredulity is not just shared by commenters on the Daily Mail website, it is shared by other members of the lunatic fringe too.

“We've always wanted to bring down the UK establishment and of course the Royals,” said a spokesman for a radical Muslim group in East London. “The fact that these serving soldiers have killed our martyrs just makes this parasitic leach of an infidel more of a target for us. But not on a Tuesday as I have to sign on at the job centre then.”

Diane Abbot “I'm getting a bit old for all this sauciness”

noreply@blogger.com (EI2g) — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 16:20:00 +0000

One time teenager and previous twenty-something year-old woman, Diane Abbott, is to launch a revolution in sex education that will ensure young people “stop wanting to look at people's bits”.

“For too long now I have come to realise, like many people, that I am getting too old for nakedness to be an everyday thing,” said the MP for Principle on the Righteousness. “So, those younger people, well they should all just stop doing it too.”

Ms Abbott has become concerned with the availability of pornography on the internet, something that has only become an issue in the last 15 or so years, when the teenagers of then have grown up into 30 somethings with families of their own.

“It's obvious that today family values are centred around large inflatable breasts, sex sessions that last at least an hour of continuous pounding involving at least three people simultaneously,” said the MP in her landmark speech. “The number of orifices in use has spiralled too.”

The campaign will focus on new and shocking teenage behaviour, such as communicating raunchy messages to each other – something that was never possible with speech, the land-line telephone or furtive classroom notes.

There will also be a nationwide campaign to get schoolchildren to be nice to each other following the new craze sweeping the nation of calling girls sluts if they are rumoured to have ever seen a real penis.

“15 years ago, before anyone had shown a booby or a thingy on the internet, every school child was nice to one another,” said Ms Abbott. “Since slut-shaming happens online then, clearly, it is the computer that is at fault as no one ever called anyone a slut previously. Apart from Susan Billingsworth during that one school trip, who so definitely did touch that boy's thingy.”